In the end, I realised it's all about how I feel. I. Me. This blog, stained with every bloody thing about me. (it is my blog, but it feels disgustingly centered around myself too much)

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I made a phone call yesterday, with the intention of making a friend feel better, but I couldn't. I couldn't fully empathise, couldn't say anything, and therefore changed the topic - all revolving around my life because these are the first things that enter my mind. I felt bad because that killed the whole point of the call.

I said, I'm sorry I kept talking about myself, I'd honestly listen if you were to rant too. And then it ended with the general hinting of how the call was just a cycle of randomness (felt I was the one who made it so) ; a goodbye ; a goodnight, the "so are you feeling better now?"

(when I played no part in making that happen, because asking if someone's better will not make the person feel better.). Now that I think of it, who says phone calls have to be non-random? They're nice like that. Just maybe not in [this] context.

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There are people who probably open up to themselves [like I would to this blog, a dead space, rather than anybody else because it makes me reflect and analyse the problem first], people who solve their own problems, not talk about them. Feed their own thoughts/imagination. They don't need people to pry them open, they don't need to be open. (So when do they need to be?)

But sometimes, these people might have things to say, and people like me, desperately trying to fill the ( spaces ) strip them of their chances to speak/share their mind/their thoughts.

What ( spaces ) are there, what spaces, they're non-existent. They are merely in their quiet space, taking their time to think, taking their time to share things. Leave home satisfied even if they don't get to share, for they are their own outlet. Also, they have other people to be their occasional outlet, might not be anybody in particular; just anybody who's able to help them with their analysis at the moment.

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We can't really help someone unless they need help/are down and vulnerable or confused, I suppose. We can't exactly help someone unless they explicitly ask for it/show they need it. So that's a point to refute all the things I've said above.

And sometimes, between friends, it's not always a (we must help each other) situation. And maybe we don't always have to feel guilty for being the one who needs help. Because the other party will willingly help and feel happy about it. They might find the value of this friendship via other ways, because they can help themselves. We don't always have to feel needed by our friends, as much as we'd like that.

I think it's not how "friends help and don't expect anything in return", it's how "friends help because they want to". We don't even need to set it under the context of (expectation). It's quite wonderful how these things work. (and I'll not think about how making others happy makes us happy, which in the end still points back at us)

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Do you call a person and say "I'm sorry I couldn't empathise with you last night, tell me your thoughts all over today - I'll be a better listener".

It's precisely what you want to do but can't. It is pointless to want to right a wrong though, we just move on and improve.

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After typing that, I managed to help someone,
that made me happy.

At the end of the day, the painful burn of this question - why were you not able to empathise? (With people? With anything? Why can you not feel sad for others, why is your heart like stone?)

These days, I feel like I'm at the top of the world, fueled by things I need to do. I can literally feel myself in my head - no weight on my body to ground me, no weight in my heart to reach out to others. I'm a walking library of books that can be titled "how to focus too much on trying to live your life right, get self obsessed and (accidentally) forget about the people around you".

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I met another friend to help her with a project last night,

and my answer to this simple question (if you were to change one thing by today, what would it be?) :

- I want people to be able to understand one another, be able to put themselves in each others' shoes.

What understanding do I speak of? There's a great divergence between the person I want to be, and the person I am right now.

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If I could, I'd change I to an i.

That's what I want change by the end of today. No, forever.

Ingrid Michaelson - The Way I Am.

Repeattt.

This earth needs more understanding.

I feel this place is getting more and more quiet, because the contents are far too hidden for anybody to understand. Well it won't matter until I feel a strong need for people to listen to what I say.

And I thought again, maybe I should keep my thoughts for the day a private one. Aha. Great at-the-moments. But wonder - would I be, might I be.. happier? Or do people not think about that?

Aha. It was a great day punctuated with silence, comfortable one. After the 5 hours at raindrops. The safety of knowing you're able to talk to each other but are both not in the mood to. At the moment.

1) not recognizing faces cause we notice their behaviour first. The feeling we get from them. unlike in photos which are still

2) not being able to say our deepest thoughts during conversation because we're constantly talking, no time to stop and reflect (unless you reflect each others' thoughts)

Philosophical thoughts I was given no time to ponder about. Clock towers, wanting to knock down walls for future houses, you giving me the idea and me putting them into words. Baby hannah, robertson. I will be less self-centered.

Are we similar, or are we not? Do we click, will we click in time to come when we open up so it's not just me being personal? Or when we have more common topics in time to come?

Today, I don't feel you don't get my nuances. And well, Anna Sarah and I don't talk everyday, and we talk nonsense in between too. It's no wonder that we don't get -deep philosophical- conversations everyday.

Some people don't get us

do we not talk to them?
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we're on the topic of death today.
Death is forever.

I don't want to visit all the 'tourist destinations' in Europe, I'd rather walk around aimlessly and visit some unknown places. I don't even care if I'll have a photo of me next to the Eiffel tower. Europe Tour 2011 - Copenhagen, Italy (Venice, Florence, Rome), Paris. Am I excited? Not until I do more research on it. I gotta study for now.

That day I asked 'which part of feeling special makes you happy?' (or, why do you like being unique?). Now I feel like that and can't answer the same question.

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I love almost all the stuff I post up here, amongst all the songs I have. Sharing music 'makes my blood so happy'. Yesterday was one of my best piano-playing moments, I crossed a mental obstacle and everything just flowed well after. I'd like to try playing in front of some people to see I've really crossed the barrier -

- also, I'm going to draw tonight.

Maybe when I've got more to say here. For now, music! The best ones -

1: Metric/Emily Haines (& the soft skeleton)

I feel like I'm unable to describe them well today, so the videos will do (for now). Love everything from Emily Haine's voice, her accent, (the acoustic versions! though I like the 'originals' too), to the lyrics. Each line short but packed with meaning.



Emily Haines - Eau de Toilette
(Jazzy! - now refer to third sentence of this post -)



Emily Haines & The Soft Skeleton - Crowd Surf Off A Cliff

Are we breathing, are we breathing, are we wasting our breath?



Metric - Gimme Sympathy (Acoustic)

We're so close to something better left unknown
/I can feel it in my bones



Metric - Help I'm Alive (Acoustic)

Help I'm alive
My heart keeps beating like a hammer
Hard to be soft
Tough to be tender
Come take my pulse the pace is on a runaway train



Metric - Sick Muse

Watch out Cupid
Stuck me with a sickness
Pull your little arrows out
Let me live my life



Metric - Twilight Galaxy (Acoustic)

I'm higher than high
Lower than deep
I'm doing it wrong
Singing along

Did I ask you
For attention
When affection
Is what I need

2: Never Let Me Go OST/Kokuhaku OST

Never Let Me Go - (from never let me go)

I don't know who sang it, and can't find the lyrics. It'd be nice to hear it playing over the gramophone -



Never Let Me Go OST - Kathy & Tommy

Downloaded the entire OST after my friend posted this one on facebook.

The movie would receive a few less stars from me without the music.

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The tracks from Kokuhaku are so Lily chou-chou-ish, is it coincidence that both involve high school bullying etc.?


Kokuhaku (Confessions) OST - 虹が始まるとき



Kokuhaku (Confessions) OST - にじむ残像
(great creepy photo with strong lighting too)

This shall be the track put on repeat while I read economics this afternoon. Wellll, maybe not to everyone's taste, you'd be safer listening to the rest and I assure you they're all damn bloody good.

Waiting for an important text message can be so excruciating.

At least reply "yes" or "no"? I'll find someone else if it's a "no".
(but oh, she says I must not let you feel non exclusive)

My future is partly in your hands, I have one more bloody -
- one more bloody DAY to decide. And your reply will be the one that will let me heave a sigh of relief, or if not it'll make me run around looking for another person that will allow me to do that.

No I still do not regret this decision. But I've already sent out 5 messages with no reply. Since days ago and I know they're never coming to me. I'll have to carve out another path by tonight. So at least just reply me, "yes" or "no"?

it's 11:11, I'll make a wish. Please say yes.
(I do understand nobody's obliged to help but yes okay,
I'll admit it - I'm desperate)

My heart.

Please kill it, do something to it. Something, anything.
To make this cold blooded.. thing. Feel.
There we go again, the entire 'numb issue',
with no explanation for its occurrence.
Not one I can find, at least.

Stick an electrode in my brain too, its hibernating.

I don't know if I should feel disgusted with myself;

why have I not felt anything much about the disaster in Japan yet? Is it because I haven't read enough to feel the impact? If so, why am I not reading much about it? I know and understand the impact, but cannot bring myself to really feel (for the people) yet. Here I am, continuing with life, worrying about (my) subject combination. Make me feel something. This makes me feel disgusting.

I feel like I have lost something in me, (as a human) (sounds stupid);

My immense curiosity has led me to do pretty inhumane things. I left my aquarium of tiny (tiny) fishes alone just to see if they are piscivorous if given no other choice. I've proven the point correct, and didn't want to stop the experiment till my friend fed them today. This is a confession. And I don't think I will leave them without food again. I hope.

I feel as though less and less people are reading. I know of two friends who always read, don't know about the rest and it's okay. It feels like I'm writing to just two people (-denial-), and it makes me feel safe. And I don't have to bother too much about my English not being great enough, though it still annoys me a little.

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Did poem annotation today, it was fun.

- works best when she is not bound by anything -

do things for yourself to see
maybe they will never know what you can do.
but it does not matter

Lost.

What do I actually love? Am I bad at it, am I good at it? Do I love it, do I not? Do I not because I feel I am not good enough, or I simply do not love it as much? What is it that I love? What is it that I am good at? What is it I'm meant to do? What is it that I'm supposed to do next? Am I denying my love for it just because I'm afraid of some part of it? Or do I really not love it as much? But there is something I love more, it excites me. It's too late, too bad. What? WHAT? WHAT?

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if that makes me feel any better. At least I know what I'm supposed to do now, this year. It feels much clearer than the other options I'm actually open to (not ME opening to it, the other way round). It does.

Ahhhh something is infecting my mind these days, I'm so strangely optimistic and open and alright with everything. Ahhh.

Seriously just what on EARTH would you understand about their lives, their past, their pain? (even if they now look fine?) This world is cruel enough and there will be nobody (maybe just a few) who will actually understand and accept you - the only thing we can do is tell ourselves we can do it, tell THEM we can do it despite being hurt by their bloody doubtful stares. That's when they'll start to believe you. And when they do, you'll really start to believe. So it started not as a solid, self-grounded belief - but it works in the end, anyway. At least I think I've learnt this time.

We lay on the mats, in the tent on this windy night under the red cloudy sky. Grass as huge as the buildings, the buildings as tiny as grass looked normally. The slow drifting clouds like cotton candy we could tear and taste with outstretched arms, fresh smell of rain.

Alone together, enjoying personal space with the comfort of (each other within reach, near distance). Silence not loud, not deafening.

Talked about nothing serious, laughed at nothing particularly funny; yet it wasn't anything I would want to forget.

Nothing significant, but nothing forgettable.

Alone together.

When we stop my hands will shake,
My eyes will burn, my throat will ache,





The lighter fluid was too strong for the coffee device,

but the flame not too strong for pretty photos.

I've always loved flames in the dark.

Emily Haines & The Soft Skeleton - Our Hell

Listened to this on the way to school before collection of results. The song has got nothing to do with results, of course.


First went wrong is hard to find,
We're paralyzed, we apologize; our hell is a good life.
Last went wrong but where's my prize, under the lights?
Can we call it in? We'll be on the road.

All this weight is honest worse.
We're moderate; we modernize 'til our hell is a good life.
All we know is to forget how to do right,
Colouring in the black hole. Can we stop?

What I thought it was it isn't now
What I thought it was it isn't